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Anna Brand: ‘Bethenny Ever After’ Recap: A Birthday Massage Situation

Remember last week when Bethenny bowed her head to a heavenly marble figure outside a supply warehouse, embodied Satan when she realized she’ll be relinquishing all of Julie’s powers, and cried enough tears to fill her new giant closet? Wasn’t it just FAB?! Well, if we’re lucky (which according to the previews and the pre-aired clips the network so generously floods Twitter with), tonight won’t be any different. The opposite of a happy duo are headed to Cabo Wabo for some much-needed tequila shots (and lovin’), I’m sure. That’s right, a romantic vacation for the two of them orchestrated by the camera crew for our viewing pleasure. On we go …

"Can’t Get Enough of You" Bethenny

  • Arriving at the One & Only Palmilla Resort with Brynn in her arms, who adorably greets the bellboys with a cheerful “Hola!” No, seriously.
  • Settling into their mansion of a hotel room (far different from the roadside brothel that is my memory of Mexico) with wide smiles and vulnerably white cheeks.
  • Muttering, “I know you love me, but you have to like me” in such a soft, feminine voice that I’ve forgotten her mouth is as dirty as a frat house’s kitchen sink.
  • Realizing she’s being swindled by a Cabo beach vender when he tries to sell her a sarong for 60 bucks. “Are you out of your Mexican mind?” she so kindly asks the sir. “I love you like an hermano.” Now, let’s bargain.
  • Highlighting the importance of picking up cute blond boys with obnoxiously sexy names like Houston on the beach to Brynn, her barely-walking baby. May have taken it a bit too far with the “power of the popsicle” comment — that’s not going to be funny very, very soon. But till then, I’m on board with playfully whoring out her kid.
  • Analyzing with Ra-Ra the trust, money and anger issue she has with Hoppy — in a calm levelheaded voice. Of course, the tears follow suit, but it’s painfully difficult to openly sayi you’re unhappy, so I’m granting her a freebie.
  • Figuring out, naturally, that the only thing left to do is get “piss drunk” to snap into a better mood. Famous last words.
  • Hilariously calling out Hoppy for asking her what her favorite salad is when he runs out of things to say during lunch. “Is this seriously what things have come down to,” she says with a mouthful of food.
  • Lying down for a 41st birthday couple’s massage, and getting double-teamed by the massage therapist and Hoppy. Resembling a “Mexican orgy,” there was talks of butt-cheeks, “chicken wing” style and motor-boating.
  • Paddling into rough waters … oh the irony.
  • Celebrating her birthday with Brynn, a silver-platter-worthy chocolate chip cookie and her signature Mexico-appropriate hoop earrings.
  • Walking down to the beach to the sound of what I can only relate to a Passover Shofar and posing for a mini photo shoot — cue the intern.
  • Flipping through a personalized photo album gifted by her employees and crying in a way that doesn’t leave me peering away uncontrollably in embarrassment for the first time.

Total: 13

"Run for Your Life" Bethenny

  • Pointing out after the sun drops on Day 1 that she and Hoppy have yet to fight once, leading to a tense moment of awkwardness — annnnd it’s time for a mid-scene “confessional.”
  • Almost cheers-ing with Hoppy to calm, peace and happiness together until she interrupts with a pause of hesitation topped off with a bulging eye roll.
  • Casually letting Hoppy know that if they were to die, their baby would go to “Ra-Ra,” B’s employee. Funny, Hoppy outrageously thought his parents may be in the mix somewhere, but B points out very obviously and not-at-all-without-double-meaning that his parents might be too old, and therefore would be a threat to Brynn’s “transition” period.
  • Bringing up Julie’s impeding departure once again — a topic that has usually brought the couple closer together in many ways. Only this time, it quickly turns into middle school bickering essentially about who’s more f—cked up than the other. And now it’s time for another cocktail.
  • Arguing with Hoppy over literally nothing and everything at the same time to the point where even sweet Ra-Ra doesn’t know another way to say, “It’s going to be OK.”
  • Disappearing into the rocks to go rehash the fight outside of our view, but luckily for us she’s hooked up to a mic and we can hear her perfectly! “Damaged, wounded … come have lunch,” etc. etc.
  • Scientifically explaining that her SkinnyGirl body physically cannot handle the nonsense anymore, igniting the vicious cycle and confused looks once again.
  • Tearing up in a stark white robe over the thought of her mom having the same birthday as her and not being in contact at all. Watch the mascara, B … it’s dripping.

Total: 8

There you have it, folks: “Can’t Get Enough of You” Bethenny came out on top in a landslide victory this week. Not only did B battle it out with her hermano from another mother on the beach — which could have been enough right there — but she not-at-all tastelessly pointed out Brynn’s lollipop technique, discussed her feelings calmly without the supervision (and drugs) provided by Dr. A. and enjoyed a birthday celebration in a much more pleasing-to-watch way than last year’s fiasco. All in all, Queen B seemed to be back to her normal, quick-witted self, with very little self-loathing attached. We’ll still be in Cabo next week, so stay tuned for Part 2 of the Mexican fiesta.

Follow Anna Brand on Twitter: www.twitter.com/thebrandedgirl

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